Don't Hit Your Sister, Don't Bite Your Brother!
Do you have a philosophy of child-rearing--either your own or one you subscribe to? As an adolescent I read Dr. Spock's books mainly to anticipate and head off any funny strategies that my mother might find. I also read them to piss her off. Were there other child rearing gurus back then? Back then, when raising kids was known as "child rearing" and you either read Spoke or Ilg and Ames. I still read Ilg and Ames sometimes but only the first 10 pages and only online at Amazon. Their advice is a tiny bit illuminating but mostly quaint and outdated. "Invite the same number of party guests as the age of the child". It makes sense but it's totally unrealistic. Keeping a first birthday party under 25 or 50 can be a real chore. I still remember making two cakes in the shape of trains, I think. No idea why I made two cakes when one would have been enough. Hypo-mania probably. (The video from that party is cringe inducing. My voice is too high, too bright and I am WAY too interested in everything that's going on. Luckily the birthday girl played her role beautifully but I still fervently hope that no one noticed--even 10 years later. Yes, it was that odd. )
I got thinking about child rearing philosophies last week, after I heard a man I work with talking very earnestly and very openly with his wife about some issue with one of their daughters. I was struck by their team approach and even more so that their strategy on this day seemed to be in line with an overall philosophy that they use with their kids. I thought "wow, these people have older kids but they're actually still taking the time and energy to stick to a plan". I was both impressed and depressed. I remembered somewhere in the back of my head a collection of ideas about raising kids that I adhered to (mostly) years ago on another coast.
No Disney, no junk food, no TV except nature videos for children, no food battles and no riding in cars without car seats. They were never exposed to television advertising and we didn't take them into stores..ever. We said "yes" to lots of friends and new experiences, yes to loving nannies, yes to reading and being read to (but "no" to learning to read early), yes to travel, yes to structured bedtimes, yes to lots of kisses and constant conversation directed at first baby and then pre-lingual toddlers/kids. Nowadays when my daughter skids perilously from topic to topic in a high speed race of chatter I tend to grind my teeth. Then just before my head is about to explode, she usually glances at me, sees "the look", says "Oh, okay" and skitters from the room. I think maybe I talked too much to her when she was young and now I'm paying the price.
These days my philosophy is simple: try not to yell, try to be consistent---e.g. "don't throw the pillows on the floor in the living-room", "don't eat in the living room", "don't wrestle--one of you (my daughter) always gets hurt", "don't mess up the house before I get home, "spare me the honor of picking up after you. I do not want to pick up your: backpack, dirty dishes, dirty clothes off the floor, balled up socks, Game Boy cartridges, books, computer games." etc. I do not wish to pick up after you at all. Behaviour and hygiene--that's what all my ideals have deflated into. "Yes, you must: brush your teeth morning and night, shower every other day, comb your hair, wear clean clothes, etc. etc."
I'm sure there is a better way. And then it happens. Some zany parent with even less of a clue than I steps up and delivers some wacky kid situation that makes moms like me breathe a collective sigh of relief. The mom who says proudly "oh my son (who is seven) always stays up with me on Sunday nights to watch "Cold Case". He loves it. He needs less sleep than I do, luckily". Okayyyyy. Then there is the co-worker who tells us all that his four year old son likes to go around and pull his pants down to show people his penis. Okayyy...age inappropriate behaviour of a different sort, but still. I told my daughter about both incidents and she was horrified at both. "What? She lets her seven year old watch "Cold Case"? He should be in bed. Besides, that show's not for kids". Ditto with the nudie four-year old.."that's weird, the dad should tell him to stop. That's what two year olds do, not when you're four." Yup, my daughter still knows more about mothering than some parents and I know where she got that from. Maybe I'll ease up on myself for a week or so. I could use the rest. ;>
I got thinking about child rearing philosophies last week, after I heard a man I work with talking very earnestly and very openly with his wife about some issue with one of their daughters. I was struck by their team approach and even more so that their strategy on this day seemed to be in line with an overall philosophy that they use with their kids. I thought "wow, these people have older kids but they're actually still taking the time and energy to stick to a plan". I was both impressed and depressed. I remembered somewhere in the back of my head a collection of ideas about raising kids that I adhered to (mostly) years ago on another coast.
No Disney, no junk food, no TV except nature videos for children, no food battles and no riding in cars without car seats. They were never exposed to television advertising and we didn't take them into stores..ever. We said "yes" to lots of friends and new experiences, yes to loving nannies, yes to reading and being read to (but "no" to learning to read early), yes to travel, yes to structured bedtimes, yes to lots of kisses and constant conversation directed at first baby and then pre-lingual toddlers/kids. Nowadays when my daughter skids perilously from topic to topic in a high speed race of chatter I tend to grind my teeth. Then just before my head is about to explode, she usually glances at me, sees "the look", says "Oh, okay" and skitters from the room. I think maybe I talked too much to her when she was young and now I'm paying the price.
These days my philosophy is simple: try not to yell, try to be consistent---e.g. "don't throw the pillows on the floor in the living-room", "don't eat in the living room", "don't wrestle--one of you (my daughter) always gets hurt", "don't mess up the house before I get home, "spare me the honor of picking up after you. I do not want to pick up your: backpack, dirty dishes, dirty clothes off the floor, balled up socks, Game Boy cartridges, books, computer games." etc. I do not wish to pick up after you at all. Behaviour and hygiene--that's what all my ideals have deflated into. "Yes, you must: brush your teeth morning and night, shower every other day, comb your hair, wear clean clothes, etc. etc."
I'm sure there is a better way. And then it happens. Some zany parent with even less of a clue than I steps up and delivers some wacky kid situation that makes moms like me breathe a collective sigh of relief. The mom who says proudly "oh my son (who is seven) always stays up with me on Sunday nights to watch "Cold Case". He loves it. He needs less sleep than I do, luckily". Okayyyyy. Then there is the co-worker who tells us all that his four year old son likes to go around and pull his pants down to show people his penis. Okayyy...age inappropriate behaviour of a different sort, but still. I told my daughter about both incidents and she was horrified at both. "What? She lets her seven year old watch "Cold Case"? He should be in bed. Besides, that show's not for kids". Ditto with the nudie four-year old.."that's weird, the dad should tell him to stop. That's what two year olds do, not when you're four." Yup, my daughter still knows more about mothering than some parents and I know where she got that from. Maybe I'll ease up on myself for a week or so. I could use the rest. ;>
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