Off/On: Who Am I Today?
One of the oddest things about being a single parent is how different your life is depending on whether you've got the kids that day or not. My kids often sleep at their father's house one or two nights a week--sometimes more. On those days when the kids aren't at my house, I can leave work leisurely, stop to visit a friend and celebrate the fact that I don't have to cook dinner. For anyone.
When I come in the door, the only beings demanding attention are the two cats and all they want is food. After that, I sit and read the paper and savor the neatness of my surroundings and the quiet. There are no giant Crocs lying in the main pathway between the front door and the kitchen. "Hannah Montana" and "The Suite Life of Zack and Codey" are not blaring from the television (I know it's the "Gilligan's Island" of today but it still seems so much worse than the Skipper and Maryanne. Gilligan was certainly a tad smarter than Patrick Starfish, I think. A journalist buddy and I sometimes dissect the relative merits/debits of today's kiddie trash TV versus that of the '70s. Surprise, surprise, we agree that Gilligan's Island was of higher quality than today's kiddie trash.)
On days when the kids are waiting at home for me, I leave the office quickly and scurry home. I look forward to seeing them...until I actually see them. After a quick hug and a perfunctory kiss from Kid 1, it's time to get to work. Kid 2 does not give kisses, though he does sometimes agree to a quick hug. I envy my friend and her youngest boy. He's only 4 and he still kisses and hugs Mom. Some things never change--divorced or not: Dad means fun, Mom means work.
When they're home with me there are chores and personal basics that must be attended to. They have to brush their teeth before bed. Kid 1 must make sure that there are clean cat dishes for the morning. "No, you may not have Oreo cookies for dinner," is just one example of the mandates I lay down to Kid 2, the boy. They do not want to go to bed at a reasonable hour when they are at home, ironically because they go to bed at 8 PM when they're at Dad's house. This is the one area where Dad's house has a rule disliked more than almost all of my demands. It doesn't matter. Somehow my son has managed to procure a copy of what I call "The Children's Book of Divorce". This is the manual that tells kids just how to work Mom and Dad to their advantage in any divorce situation. When my son hears one too many demands from me, he whines "I want to live with Daddy! You're mean." I am supposed to feel cut to the quick but instead I sometimes want to reply "Okay, good idea!" I think he'd miss me... (Apparently, my son is not sharing the manual with his sister. She has yet to whip out any ammunition from the "Nasty things you can say to the custodial parent"chapter.)
I suspect that if I heard these things all the time, I'd simply tune them out. It's the day to day difference between having them here and having them there that upsets my equilibrium. It's hard to flip the switch "ON" to parent but it's just as hard to turn the switch "OFF". When my switch is off and I know I've got no kids to deal with after school, a funny thing happens. When I go out to lunch I swoon over other people's kids. Babies are cuter and even the ornery 5 year old at the next table seems appealing. When my Mom switch is ON, this isn't the case. I'm as generally intolerant of other people's misbehaving kids as others are of mine.
With more time, I'll probably find the see-saw effect less affecting. Enjoying my own kids more and maybe other people's less would probably be a good thing but it may take a while to modulate that ON/OFF switch.
When I come in the door, the only beings demanding attention are the two cats and all they want is food. After that, I sit and read the paper and savor the neatness of my surroundings and the quiet. There are no giant Crocs lying in the main pathway between the front door and the kitchen. "Hannah Montana" and "The Suite Life of Zack and Codey" are not blaring from the television (I know it's the "Gilligan's Island" of today but it still seems so much worse than the Skipper and Maryanne. Gilligan was certainly a tad smarter than Patrick Starfish, I think. A journalist buddy and I sometimes dissect the relative merits/debits of today's kiddie trash TV versus that of the '70s. Surprise, surprise, we agree that Gilligan's Island was of higher quality than today's kiddie trash.)
On days when the kids are waiting at home for me, I leave the office quickly and scurry home. I look forward to seeing them...until I actually see them. After a quick hug and a perfunctory kiss from Kid 1, it's time to get to work. Kid 2 does not give kisses, though he does sometimes agree to a quick hug. I envy my friend and her youngest boy. He's only 4 and he still kisses and hugs Mom. Some things never change--divorced or not: Dad means fun, Mom means work.
When they're home with me there are chores and personal basics that must be attended to. They have to brush their teeth before bed. Kid 1 must make sure that there are clean cat dishes for the morning. "No, you may not have Oreo cookies for dinner," is just one example of the mandates I lay down to Kid 2, the boy. They do not want to go to bed at a reasonable hour when they are at home, ironically because they go to bed at 8 PM when they're at Dad's house. This is the one area where Dad's house has a rule disliked more than almost all of my demands. It doesn't matter. Somehow my son has managed to procure a copy of what I call "The Children's Book of Divorce". This is the manual that tells kids just how to work Mom and Dad to their advantage in any divorce situation. When my son hears one too many demands from me, he whines "I want to live with Daddy! You're mean." I am supposed to feel cut to the quick but instead I sometimes want to reply "Okay, good idea!" I think he'd miss me... (Apparently, my son is not sharing the manual with his sister. She has yet to whip out any ammunition from the "Nasty things you can say to the custodial parent"chapter.)
I suspect that if I heard these things all the time, I'd simply tune them out. It's the day to day difference between having them here and having them there that upsets my equilibrium. It's hard to flip the switch "ON" to parent but it's just as hard to turn the switch "OFF". When my switch is off and I know I've got no kids to deal with after school, a funny thing happens. When I go out to lunch I swoon over other people's kids. Babies are cuter and even the ornery 5 year old at the next table seems appealing. When my Mom switch is ON, this isn't the case. I'm as generally intolerant of other people's misbehaving kids as others are of mine.
With more time, I'll probably find the see-saw effect less affecting. Enjoying my own kids more and maybe other people's less would probably be a good thing but it may take a while to modulate that ON/OFF switch.
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