Switching To A Different Herd of One
Like most of us, I am not at my best on an early Sunday morning--okay, 8:45 isn't that early--when I stumble down the street to the grocery store to pick up the Times and some Diet Coke. This morning I had on my biking stuff, my Raybans and a grungy ball cap that I prize above all others because it came from an old beau. I was sneaking toward the register when I heard a high pitched voice ask plaintively "Sal, oh Sal, is that you?". When I nodded and recognized this fellow school mom, she added "Or, Mrs. Smith, I guess?" I rolled my eyes behind my sun glasses and waited. She introduced herself unnecessarily--our kids were in both kindergarten and first grade together. During those school years, I'd spent several afternoons from 2:50 to 3:05 chatting with her about the kids and other useless stuff. I remember her and even her son's name. Either she didn't think I'd remember her or she wasn't quite sure it was me underneath the glasses and stained ball cap.
But after she'd asked me some questions about last year's school carnival and I was walking back to my car, I realized that perhaps there was another reason for her confusion. When we'd chatted in front of the school a few years back, we'd been members of the same herd--the Stay At Home Married Moms group. Now I was part of a smaller herd--Single Working Moms. I don't think she knew what to say or how to relate and I can empathize--I had the same reaction on my end. As a member of her herd, I'd have asked "Oh, how is the carnival going? Who are the chairs this year? What are you having for activities? Blah, blah. blah". And I'd have been truly interested in the answers. I'd have filed away all the info I'd gleaned somewhere in my brain and when the right time came-usually at Star Bucks with other moms--I'd have the 411 on the carnival.
And it's not that I don't care about what's going on at school anymore, it's just that it's not my main focus. I've moved to another herd in a different corral. I got to thinking some more about the idea of herd through the day. There's the Stay At Home Mom herd with sub-genres of those SHM with full or part-time help. In this neighborhood, the sub genre of SHM is the type I've dubbed "the Penny Pinchers".
The Penny Pinchers are married to nice guys with good jobs in the city and they earn at least $250,000 a year but with the cost of kids and living in Westchester, these women are careful to keep expenses down. They're smart, practical types and they tend to dress the part: they wear "Mom" jeans--the ones that have plenty of room for your butt and thighs and taper unattractively at the ankles--ugly but comfy. They don't worry about looking good except on weekend nights when they go to dinner parties or out to dinner with friends. They tend to dress their kids the same way.
The SHM with help or the WSHM (Wealthy Stay at Home Moms), tend to care how they look at all times. Their husbands don't make less than $500K to a million or more and they don't pinch pennies. They're also careful with their money but I find that they're a lot more fun. They also seem to have better senses of humor or at least they laugh at my jokes. Penny Pinchers tend to be too earnest to get my humor. The WSHM set is sportier and more into food and wine and they tend to be obsessed with weight. There is also a sub-set of WSHM who don't have help and they tend to be more laid back. Plus, they don't take themselves as seriously in general as other Mom herds.
These groups do have some things in common: both are very ambitious for their children and both tend to think that it's vital for kids to play team sports. "Whether they want to or not!" They also feel that their kids should spend their time productively after school just about every day. Driving kids from activity to activity is viewed as part of their job description as SHM.
The herd of Working Moms in this neighborhood is quite healthy. Most have full time nannies and most have kids who are still babies or in pre-school. Their attitude toward their kids is different. "Wry" is the word that comes to mind. They look at their kids as part of a wider world and they don't have the time to be as caught up in the daily details of KidWorld. I tended to share this attitude even when I didn't work "outside the home". ( There's something about that phrase that irks me. I understand the logic--you do scut work at home and you don't draw a paycheck--yet you still work. But it still bugs me. Maybe it's because it means we're still quibbling over who works harder--those who stay home and raise kids or those who trudge off to an office each day or those who straddle both worlds part-time. And that instead of making progress toward equalizing the work/kids balance for everybody we're still caught up in playing "mine's bigger".)
I hate it when women lower themselves to playing "mine's bigger". Whether it's one of those stupid discussions about childbirth and who went through the most pain to whose kid was potty-trained earliest... And let's not forget the Granola Moms who are always first to brag about how long their labor was and how glad they are that they went completely without any pain relief. Boring. Particularly for a woman who gratefully went through two completely wonderful Caesareans and one little boy who finally said "yes" to the question "do you want to wear underwear today?" when he was 3.3 years old.
My point is that Mom herds tend to be most comfortable with others from the same ranch or the same brand. Luckily, I never felt like a real member of any of these herds. I tend to think that boredom is good for kids as long as their access to weapons is limited. I think team sports are overrated. I played on every team they had in school and I'm still an ornery iconoclast. My ex on the other hand, hardly played any team sports at all and he's an incredibly talented corporate player. I somehow doubt that his one semester on the bowling team made him what he is today. I love my kids but I think they're a pain in the neck for the most part. Or at least around me. Other people tell me they're cute and smart. I'm sure those people are mistaking my kids for someone else's. Also, I don't think they're going to Harvard and I don't think they'll care. Almost two years ago, my son said to me one day "Mom, you do realize I'm never going to play team sports, right?" And I said "yup" and that was that. I also think that forcing your kids to read for a certain amount of time each night is stupid. Now forcing them to do their multiplication tables for an hour I can see...
When I was a not- so -penny pinching SHM, I ferried my kids to their few activities and I didn't mind really. However, there activities were limited by finances and that real world excuse came in handy more than once. "Mom, why can't I do ice skating, and piano, and French and horse back riding?" "Well, dear because we'd have to cut back on eating..." "Oh, nevvverr mind". Good for a laugh and a quick lesson in reality in just thirty seconds--that's the best kind of parenting in my book. However, when they were in school I barely remembered they exist. Those hours were my time--to do business or shop or just hang out with friends. My, what freedom.
A funny thing has happened though just in the few weeks I've been working 9-5 in an office setting. I leave at 8:30 and I do think of them during the day. I look forward to that awkward phone call from my daughter at about 3:15 when she says "Yeah, we're fine. Bye" and then I have to call her back. Sometimes more than once. Each time I get two or three more words and then I'm satisfied that the bogeyman is not at the door and that they're happy enough. Then I think I have the best of both mindsets and I don't mind being a herd of one.
But after she'd asked me some questions about last year's school carnival and I was walking back to my car, I realized that perhaps there was another reason for her confusion. When we'd chatted in front of the school a few years back, we'd been members of the same herd--the Stay At Home Married Moms group. Now I was part of a smaller herd--Single Working Moms. I don't think she knew what to say or how to relate and I can empathize--I had the same reaction on my end. As a member of her herd, I'd have asked "Oh, how is the carnival going? Who are the chairs this year? What are you having for activities? Blah, blah. blah". And I'd have been truly interested in the answers. I'd have filed away all the info I'd gleaned somewhere in my brain and when the right time came-usually at Star Bucks with other moms--I'd have the 411 on the carnival.
And it's not that I don't care about what's going on at school anymore, it's just that it's not my main focus. I've moved to another herd in a different corral. I got to thinking some more about the idea of herd through the day. There's the Stay At Home Mom herd with sub-genres of those SHM with full or part-time help. In this neighborhood, the sub genre of SHM is the type I've dubbed "the Penny Pinchers".
The Penny Pinchers are married to nice guys with good jobs in the city and they earn at least $250,000 a year but with the cost of kids and living in Westchester, these women are careful to keep expenses down. They're smart, practical types and they tend to dress the part: they wear "Mom" jeans--the ones that have plenty of room for your butt and thighs and taper unattractively at the ankles--ugly but comfy. They don't worry about looking good except on weekend nights when they go to dinner parties or out to dinner with friends. They tend to dress their kids the same way.
The SHM with help or the WSHM (Wealthy Stay at Home Moms), tend to care how they look at all times. Their husbands don't make less than $500K to a million or more and they don't pinch pennies. They're also careful with their money but I find that they're a lot more fun. They also seem to have better senses of humor or at least they laugh at my jokes. Penny Pinchers tend to be too earnest to get my humor. The WSHM set is sportier and more into food and wine and they tend to be obsessed with weight. There is also a sub-set of WSHM who don't have help and they tend to be more laid back. Plus, they don't take themselves as seriously in general as other Mom herds.
These groups do have some things in common: both are very ambitious for their children and both tend to think that it's vital for kids to play team sports. "Whether they want to or not!" They also feel that their kids should spend their time productively after school just about every day. Driving kids from activity to activity is viewed as part of their job description as SHM.
The herd of Working Moms in this neighborhood is quite healthy. Most have full time nannies and most have kids who are still babies or in pre-school. Their attitude toward their kids is different. "Wry" is the word that comes to mind. They look at their kids as part of a wider world and they don't have the time to be as caught up in the daily details of KidWorld. I tended to share this attitude even when I didn't work "outside the home". ( There's something about that phrase that irks me. I understand the logic--you do scut work at home and you don't draw a paycheck--yet you still work. But it still bugs me. Maybe it's because it means we're still quibbling over who works harder--those who stay home and raise kids or those who trudge off to an office each day or those who straddle both worlds part-time. And that instead of making progress toward equalizing the work/kids balance for everybody we're still caught up in playing "mine's bigger".)
I hate it when women lower themselves to playing "mine's bigger". Whether it's one of those stupid discussions about childbirth and who went through the most pain to whose kid was potty-trained earliest... And let's not forget the Granola Moms who are always first to brag about how long their labor was and how glad they are that they went completely without any pain relief. Boring. Particularly for a woman who gratefully went through two completely wonderful Caesareans and one little boy who finally said "yes" to the question "do you want to wear underwear today?" when he was 3.3 years old.
My point is that Mom herds tend to be most comfortable with others from the same ranch or the same brand. Luckily, I never felt like a real member of any of these herds. I tend to think that boredom is good for kids as long as their access to weapons is limited. I think team sports are overrated. I played on every team they had in school and I'm still an ornery iconoclast. My ex on the other hand, hardly played any team sports at all and he's an incredibly talented corporate player. I somehow doubt that his one semester on the bowling team made him what he is today. I love my kids but I think they're a pain in the neck for the most part. Or at least around me. Other people tell me they're cute and smart. I'm sure those people are mistaking my kids for someone else's. Also, I don't think they're going to Harvard and I don't think they'll care. Almost two years ago, my son said to me one day "Mom, you do realize I'm never going to play team sports, right?" And I said "yup" and that was that. I also think that forcing your kids to read for a certain amount of time each night is stupid. Now forcing them to do their multiplication tables for an hour I can see...
When I was a not- so -penny pinching SHM, I ferried my kids to their few activities and I didn't mind really. However, there activities were limited by finances and that real world excuse came in handy more than once. "Mom, why can't I do ice skating, and piano, and French and horse back riding?" "Well, dear because we'd have to cut back on eating..." "Oh, nevvverr mind". Good for a laugh and a quick lesson in reality in just thirty seconds--that's the best kind of parenting in my book. However, when they were in school I barely remembered they exist. Those hours were my time--to do business or shop or just hang out with friends. My, what freedom.
A funny thing has happened though just in the few weeks I've been working 9-5 in an office setting. I leave at 8:30 and I do think of them during the day. I look forward to that awkward phone call from my daughter at about 3:15 when she says "Yeah, we're fine. Bye" and then I have to call her back. Sometimes more than once. Each time I get two or three more words and then I'm satisfied that the bogeyman is not at the door and that they're happy enough. Then I think I have the best of both mindsets and I don't mind being a herd of one.
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