When The Kid Swerves Away From Your Plan


I've been thinking about the idea of kids as "projects"--the idea that at the age of 16 or 17--your child is basically a small adult and as such your child-raising project is finished. The kid is on his way into the real world.Your job now is knowing when to let go and then letting go.

Kids this age are busy with life.There are college applications, class schedules for next year, landing a part-time job, figuring out the summer internship, etc. etc. And for us at least, those decisions are Kid 1's to make. She just got her SAT scores back and she did well. She has always done well on standardized tests and from the time she was little I knew that her SAT scores would be high. I was right. The best part is that I got to say "I told you so" and she didn't roll her eyes. (Her success is due mostly to a genetic quirk, that's all. For some reason, she intuitively picks the right bubble to blacken. Her father has the same odd talent. Go figure.)

We know we're lucky. She developed a passion for art and design a long time ago. She knows where she wants to go to college and she knows what she wants for a career. She knows it's likely that she won't ever make a huge salary and she's okay with that.

But I know parents who are struggling right now with their kids' nascent career hopes or lack thereof. Their kids are swerving from the path their parents imagined for them and that creates hurt feelings and grief. As a fellow parent I have empathy. It must be hard to cope with the sudden realization that your kid will likely not turn out the way you'd planned. That that straight trail from good grades in high school, entrance to a fine private college or university, then entrance to a fine graduate program and then on to a highly paid position at the right company, isn't the path your kid wants to take. Your kid's ambitions are different than yours.You thought they were the same and 'Surprise!', they're not.

That's when you may wish for one of those uber obedient kids who always does what mom and dad want.

The mom who says "you must play ice hockey" and the kid plays hockey; "you will play lacrosse and soccer" and voila, the kid takes on both. Music lessons? Yup. Choir, boy scouts, etc. etc. The kid always goes along with Mom's plan without complaint. And it often pays off. Kid 1's friends are getting college acceptance letters right now and one friend is headed off to an Ivy League school. But it's kind of a joke. Sure, the kid is bright and he has activities galore on his resume but it's Mom who engineered every minute of this kid's high school "career". As Kid 1 says wryly,  "Danny and his mother got into Yale".

How do you get kids like this?  I sure don't know. Kid 1 is just as mystified as I am by these kids. It seems ideal but it also seems presumptive and controlling and creepy, somehow. How does a kid know what he wants to do if he's simply following a script? Does this kid marry a woman or man who carries the same script? Or does he tear up the script when he has a mid-life crisis at 50? I don't know. I suspect that the kid who chooses his own path ends up making more mistakes but maybe he's happier with himself.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Basketball Twenty Years Later

I played three on three basketball yesterday morning. I think I last played about 20 years ago. The good news is that I can see the floor better, meaning I can anticipate and react faster. Mentally that is. Physically I am a bit of a wreck. I can't really run because of my back so instead I try to skittle as fast as I can from one basket to the other. I can't jump higher than about six inches but that may be my utter lack of conditioning. As for shooting--I had no muscle memory of even how to shoot. I had four points but only because I flung the ball upward while I stood under the basket. Today I woke up and the only thing that isn't sore are my hips. I had a blast and my surgeon reassured me this morning that unless I run two marathons a month or do something similarly bizarre, my hips will be fine. Basketball, volleyball, biking--it's all okay. After we played b-ball there was a holiday party hosted by the amazing woman who makes all the weekly arrangements for soccer
Read more

A Sunny Day in March With My Cast

It's sunny and cold today. The snow is shrinking quickly, though not quite fast enough. I am on my second week in my walking cast. Tomorrow may be the day I am finally liberated from any cast at all and "get" to progress to wearing just a brace. A brace with sneakers, but still not a cast. If you've ever had a cast you know the day-to-day indignities, the insecurity, the balance issues, the importance of not tripping others and not being tripped and the balance issues. Yes, I said 'balance issues' twice. The first two weeks or so I fell on average twice a day. Some days I fell four times. My son would hear me topple and yell "Are you all right? Are you all right?!!" and rush to my side. The worst fall I took was on the carpeted floor in the living room. I managed to break a few Xmas ornaments with a crutch and smacked my head hard on the hardwood floor. I fell twice on the highly polished hard wood kitchen floor at my little six-year-old charge'
Read more

Launch Time Count Down

My star child turns 18 at the end of the month. She is finished with high school and she starts an internship on Monday. Seniors are required to do an internship 20 hours a week until graduation on June 20. A design company called "Project Gravitas", they make custom dresses for women who want to be taken seriously in the workplace. That's the "Gravitas" part. The lead designer is an FIT alum so she had a head start. Well, actually she didn't need a head start because this is the first time they've had an intern. She is very excited. They let her "help" the last time she was there and apparently she'll be doing the stuff she is interested in. Figuring out a creative-office wardrobe for a 17-year-old is turning out to be rather difficult. Banana Republic is "dumpy" as is J.Crew for the most part. Vince and Theory are great but their prices are not so great even on Poshmark . Shorts, not skirts, probably not dresses. No Bermuda sh
Read more