What Was I Thinking?: Memories of An Empty Marriage

Because Kid 2 is now in hospital, my ex-husband and I have been spending more time together than we have since way before we divorced. He has been supportive throughout this ordeal. He wanted our son in the best facility suggested to us--the one that costs a fortune, but is considered the best for adolescents. He will rush around today--as will I--to fulfill the list of requests that Kid 2 made yesterday. Money is a concern, but Kid 2's health is the priority. I appreciate his dedication and his love for our son.

Unfortunately, what I have realized over the past two days is that I do not enjoy being in his company. I don't really like him. The feeling is mutual. He has never bothered to hide his basic dislike and disdain for me. If I say "yes", he says "no". There is a natural dissonance, a mutual disconnect. I wonder if he ever liked me or just tolerated my presence for the sake of the kids.

If I disagree with him then I'm "not listening". Any negativity that I express about anything is met with contempt. His pose as the world's leading expert on just about everything is always in place. Years and years ago when we were happy, people would approach him sometimes to say something like "your wife  is so funny, she just makes me laugh so hard" only to be met with a puzzled expression instead of enthusiastic agreement. His sense of humor is about mild insults wrapped in a seeming compliment. Mine is still about observations and connections to the general absurdity of things. All things. He finds this gauche. I had a dear friend who at the time I was deciding to marry him, said to me "are you sure he's smart enough for you?" I said 'yes', but she was right-- he never was.

He is clever when it comes to business and I often ask his opinion about aspects of our publishing niche. His point of view on our kids is can be surprisingly insightful. He sees aspects of their personalities that don't occur to me. I'm grateful for that insight. He really, really loves his kids and he understands them in ways that I don't. He is less sure of Kid 2 but again he has noticed things over the past six months that I missed completely.

Can he communicate those insights? No and even if he could he doesn't have the time or the inclination.  He hangs in the doorway when he comes to the house and we talk about the weather or the latest antics of his little son.  He is always in a hurry to escape our house. It has never occurred to him that it might be hurtful to the kids to always  flee the house where they live as if it's on fire. He doesn't go so far as to honk for them when he pulls in the driveway but the urgency is always there. His wife and toddler son and their schedules take precedence. His real life is with them. Our house is simply a stop he makes on the way to more important items on his 'to-do' list.

He calls her "babe" and says "I love you" at the end of every phone conversation I've ever overheard. During our marriage I asked him to stop calling when he was on the road and had been drinking. He called from bars or parties and it was often so loud in the background that I couldn't hear what he was saying. He was voluble when he was intoxicated and stone silent when he was sober. When he called sober, he had nothing to say beyond "how are the kids?" When I was first dating the Mountain Mensch, I was puzzled when he would call just to say hello, to see how my day was going. That kind of concern was foreign to me. Mattering to someone was strange. Being with someone who actually talked was wonderful. (Years later, I wanted silence from the Mountain Mensch. He complained about others who talked too much but to me he was the one who seemed to talk endlessly.)

Today my ex-husband wears baggie Kirkland jeans, white Adidas sneakers and a Yankees hoodie. This is his standard daily garb. I am slightly embarrassed when we go to visit Kid 2. He looks like the guy who comes to help the plumber when it's time to snake the sewer line, or the guy you see unloading crates of beer in the parking lot at the grocery store. His wife must have a depth of love and understanding that I never did. He dressed beautifully when we lived on the other coast. He looked like a successful journalist with a cadre of admirers and a happy group of direct reports.Now he looks like a well-to-do bum.

The half hour drives up to the hospital seem very long. The day after our adventure began he was supportive of my efforts. Last night he was scolding as we left the building. "Why did you say XX?", "I'm not sure it's a good idea to talk about XXX", "Don't ask him questions about how he's doing", etc. etc. He is once again an expert on every aspect of the situation.  I remember that the best tactic is to always agree and keep quiet as much as possible. Most everything I say will be wrong or the timing will be off. I can't wait to get home to hug my daughter and find some peace.